I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
