I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
