John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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