Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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