I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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