I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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