So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The beer is more important than you right now.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
