official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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