Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This is classic penis vs brain.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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