so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
