I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
