I cannot find my penis.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
