what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
