Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
