So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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