last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
