she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
