At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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