I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
