I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
