I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
