We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
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Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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