HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
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