Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
