I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
