when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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