I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
