Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
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I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
where are my eyebrows?
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