you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
