It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
