And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
