I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
