I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
