I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Come share oat with me in your robe
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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