Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
