I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....