i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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