He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
