Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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