Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
BRING THE BAGELS
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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