i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
