I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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