3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
