Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize