Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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