I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
