she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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