Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
