Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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