Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
